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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Wade, Bosh, James Out For Season After Injuring Selves On First Layup Drill Of Training Camp

FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Moments after stepping onto the practice court for the team's first layup drill of training camp Tuesday, Miami Heat stars Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James sustained consecutive season-ending injuries. "The team separated into two lines, Dwyane took the first layup, and he tore his MCL on his first step toward the hoop," Heat president Pat Riley told members of the media. "By the time we got him off the court, Bosh was on the ground holding his foot because he'd ruptured his Achilles tendon during the same drill. And then rebounder Carlos Arroyo gave the ball to LeBron, who dribbled twice and collapsed gasping. Apparently, he's contracted mitochondrial abnormalities that cause him to fatigue and pass out. So, that's that. There goes our season." Following the injuries, the remaining Miami Heat players reportedly introduced themselves to one other.

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