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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Wade, Bosh, James Out For Season After Injuring Selves On First Layup Drill Of Training Camp

FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Moments after stepping onto the practice court for the team's first layup drill of training camp Tuesday, Miami Heat stars Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James sustained consecutive season-ending injuries. "The team separated into two lines, Dwyane took the first layup, and he tore his MCL on his first step toward the hoop," Heat president Pat Riley told members of the media. "By the time we got him off the court, Bosh was on the ground holding his foot because he'd ruptured his Achilles tendon during the same drill. And then rebounder Carlos Arroyo gave the ball to LeBron, who dribbled twice and collapsed gasping. Apparently, he's contracted mitochondrial abnormalities that cause him to fatigue and pass out. So, that's that. There goes our season." Following the injuries, the remaining Miami Heat players reportedly introduced themselves to one other.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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