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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Wade Phillips Wondering Why Big Egg On Top Of Lombardi Trophy

SANTA CLARA, CA—Curiously studying the sterling championship trophy ahead of Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos defensive coordinator Wade Phillips expressed confusion to reporters Thursday over why the Lombardi Trophy has a big silver egg on top of it. “It’s a nice trophy, but I don’t get why there’s a huge egg on it,” said a visibly perplexed Phillips, furrowing his brow and crossing his arms as he wondered aloud whether large eggs were featured in some way during the first Super Bowl. “I don’t get it. Whose idea was it to put an egg on top? It’s a pretty big egg, too—a lot bigger than other eggs—but eggs don’t have anything to do with the Super Bowl. Did Vince Lombardi like eggs? Is that why?” At press time, Phillips was carefully tapping the trophy against the ground in an attempt to crack the egg open.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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