Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World

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Vol 38 Issue 03

Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.

Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"

ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.

French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Take This Job And Love It

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do.
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Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Smitty's Family Restaurant customers have found in waitress Jennifer Marsh a handy scapegoat for the sins of the world, sources reported Tuesday.

Waitress and Christ figure Jennifer Marsh.

"Get it right this time," corporate attorney Paula Hinton told Marsh, taking out years of deep dissatisfaction on the waitress. "I have to be at work by 9, and I'm not about to be late because of you."

Marsh, a 23-year-old single mother of two, earns $2.13 an hour plus tips at Smitty's, serving food and functioning as an outlet for the anger and frustration of all mankind. Monday morning alone, between the hours of 8 and 11, nearly 20 customers heaped abuse on Marsh for a host of evils wholly unrelated to her.

"Where were you? I've been waiting 15 minutes," said Stephan Kendrick, seemingly irritated by the nine-minute wait for his chorizo and eggs but in reality venting anger over the alcoholic mother who abandoned him at age 9. "At least they're still warm."

Each day, Marsh also serves as a symbolic punching bag for a rogue's gallery of misogynist men who have been rejected by women. Taking aim at all womankind through Marsh, the men "strike back" with sexually inappropriate comments, intentionally confusing orders, and woefully small tips.

According to University of North Carolina sociologist Dr. James Armbruster, Marsh plays a vital role in American society.

"Daily life in this country has never been more fraught with stress and tension," Armbruster said. "But by absorbing the pent-up rage and resentment of those around her, this remarkable woman is the release valve that keeps the balloon we call America from overinflating and bursting."

Armbruster, who recently ate lunch at Smitty's, said the litany of misdeeds for which Marsh must suffer is not limited to small-scale personal vendettas.

"I actually saw Jennifer being punished for centuries of racial injustice when a group of African-American teenagers occupied a booth for more than two hours. They inverted the traditional model of racial servitude by torturing her with a laundry list of detailed questions about menu items, sending back imperfectly prepared orders, and demanding endless drink refills."

"I thought Jennifer would crack under the pressure," Armbruster continued, "but as is typical of martyrs, she absorbed blow after blow, scooped up her 30-cent tip, and went straight to a new table without raising an eyebrow."

Rev. Pernell Hardwick, author of The Waitress On The Cross: Jennifer Marsh As Secular Christ Figure (Pantheon Books, $12.95), said Marsh functions as a modern-day Jesus.

"Jennifer, more than any other contemporary figure, fits the Christ model, giving life to the world in the form of nourishment while serving as a willing repository of punishment for the sins of humanity," Hardwick said. "All the while, she never raises a hand or utters a word of protest, smiling politely as instructed by her shift manager."

Added Hardwick: "Of course, while the similarities between Marsh and Christ are obvious, comparisons to Job would be equally apt."

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