adBlockCheck

Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Waitress Punished For Sins Of The World

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Smitty's Family Restaurant customers have found in waitress Jennifer Marsh a handy scapegoat for the sins of the world, sources reported Tuesday.

Waitress and Christ figure Jennifer Marsh.

"Get it right this time," corporate attorney Paula Hinton told Marsh, taking out years of deep dissatisfaction on the waitress. "I have to be at work by 9, and I'm not about to be late because of you."

Marsh, a 23-year-old single mother of two, earns $2.13 an hour plus tips at Smitty's, serving food and functioning as an outlet for the anger and frustration of all mankind. Monday morning alone, between the hours of 8 and 11, nearly 20 customers heaped abuse on Marsh for a host of evils wholly unrelated to her.

"Where were you? I've been waiting 15 minutes," said Stephan Kendrick, seemingly irritated by the nine-minute wait for his chorizo and eggs but in reality venting anger over the alcoholic mother who abandoned him at age 9. "At least they're still warm."

Each day, Marsh also serves as a symbolic punching bag for a rogue's gallery of misogynist men who have been rejected by women. Taking aim at all womankind through Marsh, the men "strike back" with sexually inappropriate comments, intentionally confusing orders, and woefully small tips.

According to University of North Carolina sociologist Dr. James Armbruster, Marsh plays a vital role in American society.

"Daily life in this country has never been more fraught with stress and tension," Armbruster said. "But by absorbing the pent-up rage and resentment of those around her, this remarkable woman is the release valve that keeps the balloon we call America from overinflating and bursting."

Armbruster, who recently ate lunch at Smitty's, said the litany of misdeeds for which Marsh must suffer is not limited to small-scale personal vendettas.

"I actually saw Jennifer being punished for centuries of racial injustice when a group of African-American teenagers occupied a booth for more than two hours. They inverted the traditional model of racial servitude by torturing her with a laundry list of detailed questions about menu items, sending back imperfectly prepared orders, and demanding endless drink refills."

"I thought Jennifer would crack under the pressure," Armbruster continued, "but as is typical of martyrs, she absorbed blow after blow, scooped up her 30-cent tip, and went straight to a new table without raising an eyebrow."

Rev. Pernell Hardwick, author of The Waitress On The Cross: Jennifer Marsh As Secular Christ Figure (Pantheon Books, $12.95), said Marsh functions as a modern-day Jesus.

"Jennifer, more than any other contemporary figure, fits the Christ model, giving life to the world in the form of nourishment while serving as a willing repository of punishment for the sins of humanity," Hardwick said. "All the while, she never raises a hand or utters a word of protest, smiling politely as instructed by her shift manager."

Added Hardwick: "Of course, while the similarities between Marsh and Christ are obvious, comparisons to Job would be equally apt."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close