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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had. “When Allie came by to say that Richard’s shift was over and that she’d be taking care of us now, I could tell immediately that she wasn’t going to ask us how our day’s been going or compliment us on our choice of entrees like Richard did,” said diner Peter Bagnell, wistfully recalling the zeal with which his party’s former server listed off the specials and how at one point, before taking his order, Richard had called him “buddy.” “We get it that she’s doing her job, and yes, she’s bringing out the food and whatnot, but Richard had a twinkle in his eye even when we told him we needed another minute or two to settle on what we wanted—it was clear he really wanted to be here. When Allie comes around to refill the water, you can tell she’s just going through the motions.” Bagnell went on to disparage the fact that Allie had passed right by their table without asking them how their food was tasting, something they asserted Richard “would never have done.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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