Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had. “When Allie came by to say that Richard’s shift was over and that she’d be taking care of us now, I could tell immediately that she wasn’t going to ask us how our day’s been going or compliment us on our choice of entrees like Richard did,” said diner Peter Bagnell, wistfully recalling the zeal with which his party’s former server listed off the specials and how at one point, before taking his order, Richard had called him “buddy.” “We get it that she’s doing her job, and yes, she’s bringing out the food and whatnot, but Richard had a twinkle in his eye even when we told him we needed another minute or two to settle on what we wanted—it was clear he really wanted to be here. When Allie comes around to refill the water, you can tell she’s just going through the motions.” Bagnell went on to disparage the fact that Allie had passed right by their table without asking them how their food was tasting, something they asserted Richard “would never have done.”


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