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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had. “When Allie came by to say that Richard’s shift was over and that she’d be taking care of us now, I could tell immediately that she wasn’t going to ask us how our day’s been going or compliment us on our choice of entrees like Richard did,” said diner Peter Bagnell, wistfully recalling the zeal with which his party’s former server listed off the specials and how at one point, before taking his order, Richard had called him “buddy.” “We get it that she’s doing her job, and yes, she’s bringing out the food and whatnot, but Richard had a twinkle in his eye even when we told him we needed another minute or two to settle on what we wanted—it was clear he really wanted to be here. When Allie comes around to refill the water, you can tell she’s just going through the motions.” Bagnell went on to disparage the fact that Allie had passed right by their table without asking them how their food was tasting, something they asserted Richard “would never have done.”

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