Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages

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Vol 40 Issue 49

Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz

CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff Kwatinetz. "Isn't Brittany Murphy that teen star who's engaged to that agent?" said Lenz, who has apparently been in a coma since May 2004, when Kwatinetz and Murphy split. Sources close to the dumbbell said she's so retarded, she wasn't even aware that Murphy attended a guest screening of the film Bad Education last month, escorted by an anonymous hunk of arm candy.

Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home

LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to locate a single work of fiction in the house. "I just wanted something to read before bed, but all my aunt and uncle had was a row of Time-Life how-to books, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, a yearbook, and Sincerely, Andy Rooney," Fenderman said. "The only book with any narrative whatsoever was the Good News Bible." Fenderman said he finally settled for a March 1995 issue of Prevention magazine that he'd found on a shelf with his aunt's cookbooks.

Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well.

City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds

MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor wishing to improve relations with the city. "My hope is that we can foster a closer, richer relationship with those who might provide us monies to improve Modesto's antiquated sewer system," Mayor Jim Ridenour said in an appeal to potential investors. "I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends." Ridenour added that bonds like his will need constant nurturing if they are to keep their Triple-A-rated status.

Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. "Mr. Peterson's story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years," Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. "His story shall be remanded to Lifetime's custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen." Delucci ordered that Peterson's team of lawyers be present for the casting.

Dollar Low Against Euro

Last week, the U.S dollar dipped to a record low against the euro. What are the reasons for the currency's decline?

Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986.

Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.
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Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages

BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world's largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent.

A sign announces a Louisville, KY Wal-Mart's low, low wage for cashiers.

"Just in time for the holiday shopping season, we're rolling back the hourly wages of workers in every department—housewares, automotive, health and beauty, and so many more!" Wal-Mart president and CEO H. Lee Scott Jr. announced at a press conference. "From Baton Rouge to Boise, we're continuing our tradition of low, low prices and using our muscle to create unbelievable savings!"

"For us!" Scott added.

Scott then turned to a large projection screen on which the company's trademark yellow happy face whizzed through the aisles of a Wal-Mart, enthusiastically "slashing" the hourly wages of employees all over the store.

"Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years' experience?" a cheery narrator asked in amused disbelief. "How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!"

In addition to wage rollbacks, Scott said Wal-Mart will discontinue a number of shelf-stocking, warehousing, and sales-floor jobs that have been occupying valuable space on the payroll.

"Why, some of those old stockers have been collecting dust in our aisles and ledgers for five years," the narrator said as the smiley-face ushered reluctant ex-employees and their bloated wages to the parking lot. "It's time for a store-wide clearance! Out with the old and in with the new!"

The beaming smiley-face then placed a sign reading "Help Wanted—$5.15/Hour" in a window and welcomed in a long line of smiling job applicants bearing brand-new high-school diplomas, military discharge papers, and green cards.

"Wal-Mart is the place to find the latest of everything!" the narrator said. "The benefits of having long-time employees around don't add up to the benefits we have to pay them. It's time for newer, fresher, cheaper faces!"

As a result of the announcement, Wal-Mart's stock rose 20 points Monday.

"We're very excited," Wal-Mart stockholder James Seaton said. "After all, everyone loves a good value. And you can't beat the combination of low cost and high quality you find in good old-fashioned American labor."

According to Scott, employees at all 1,362 Wal-Marts, 1,671 Supercenters, and 550 Sam's Clubs will be notified of the rollbacks this week by greeters stationed at the employee entrance of each store. Greeters will address employees by their first names, shake their hands, and inform them of the store's special new wage plan. Those who remain on staff will find red "Wage Rollback!" stickers on their time cards in celebration of the occasion and in compliance with the scant federal regulations protecting minimum-wage earners.

"Wow! A 24 percent reduction!" said Harold Reis, who works in the garden department in a Marshfield, WI Wal-Mart. "I can't believe it! Why, I never saw cuts like this when I used to work at the family-owned Seubert Greenhouse!"

"But that was a few years ago," Reis added. "Nowadays, you can drive all over town looking for someplace to pay you more, but good luck. Wal-Mart is the single biggest employer in 21 states!"

In spite of the savings on labor, Wal-Mart director of human resources Lawrence Jackson said he isn't worried about incurring losses.

"What we might lose in terms of shrinkage of our work force, we'll make back almost immediately," Jackson said. "That's what's so great about being a part of so many small communities across the country—once we get a location up and running, people find out they can't afford not to work for us!"

In a related plan, Jackson said Wal-Mart plans to slash the prices it pays for manufactured goods in various Pacific Rim and South American countries by 20, 30, and even 40 percent.

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