adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wal-Mart Announces Plan To Slash Customers’ Throats

BENTONVILLE, AR—In a nationwide event this Thursday, Wal-Mart stores in more than 4,000 locations will be slashing customers’ throats from sunrise until sundown, the retailer announced. “In every section of the store, whether it’s electronics or produce, we’ll be cutting customers’ throats from ear to ear!” an official Wal-Mart press release read in part, adding that the throat-slashing event is not to be missed and is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. “We expect hundreds of thousands of customers to come out and experience our deep cuts across their internal and external carotid arteries, so get here early. And bring the kids!” The statement confirmed that in addition to slashing customers’ throats, the store would also be cutting arms and legs down by half.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close