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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. "No emotionally charged town hall meetings, no petitions to save local businesses, no calls to state representatives, nothing," chief operating officer Gisel Ruiz said as she reread the company statement explaining that the first phase of construction would entail demolishing several buildings of historical significance to the town. "It's been so quiet, it's making me nervous. What if they're up to something? Even if they're not, maybe this isn't a good location for us after all. If there's no public outrage, something must be wrong." At press time, executives had stated that as long as nobody cared, they would go ahead and start phasing out employee health care benefits completely.

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