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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. "No emotionally charged town hall meetings, no petitions to save local businesses, no calls to state representatives, nothing," chief operating officer Gisel Ruiz said as she reread the company statement explaining that the first phase of construction would entail demolishing several buildings of historical significance to the town. "It's been so quiet, it's making me nervous. What if they're up to something? Even if they're not, maybe this isn't a good location for us after all. If there's no public outrage, something must be wrong." At press time, executives had stated that as long as nobody cared, they would go ahead and start phasing out employee health care benefits completely.

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