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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. "No emotionally charged town hall meetings, no petitions to save local businesses, no calls to state representatives, nothing," chief operating officer Gisel Ruiz said as she reread the company statement explaining that the first phase of construction would entail demolishing several buildings of historical significance to the town. "It's been so quiet, it's making me nervous. What if they're up to something? Even if they're not, maybe this isn't a good location for us after all. If there's no public outrage, something must be wrong." At press time, executives had stated that as long as nobody cared, they would go ahead and start phasing out employee health care benefits completely.

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