adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wal-Mart Shoppers Mocked By Target Shopper

OKLAHOMA CITY—Local shopper Craig Klein took a moment to mock a group of patrons in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart during his drive Thursday to the Target on the other side of the highway. "Guess it's time for Cooter and Horlene to stock up on turlit paper and Cheez Doodles," Klein scoffed on his way to purchase affordable, designer-inspired bathroom supplies and a family-size bag of pita chips. "They sure don't look like they're buying any soap, I'll tell you that much. Oh, man, that is just sad." Shortly after parking at his destination, Klein was himself the focus of a raised eyebrow from a Volvo driver on her way to Crate and Barrel.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close