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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'Walking Dead' Writers Regret Naming Every Single Character 'Rick'

ATLANTA—As The Walking Dead returns to AMC for the second half of its third season, writers for the popular zombie drama told reporters Monday they are beginning to regret naming absolutely all of the characters in the series “Rick.” “When we started working on that first episode, there were just a few characters, so we figured it didn’t really matter what we called them,” said showrunner Glen Mazzara, whose writing team has since expanded the show’s ensemble cast to more than 50 unique roles, including protagonist Rick Grimes, fan favorite Rick Dixon, and a mysterious, shadowy figure known only within the show’s universe as “Rick.” “As it stands, we’re juggling three seasons’ worth of characters—men, women, children, and even zombies—all of whom are referred to as ‘Rick,’ generally without a last name. Yes, it’s confusing, but what are we supposed to do at this point? Completely change the names of all the show’s characters?” Despite the show’s convoluted naming system, AMC executives have confirmed that Sunday’s midseason premiere—in which Rick and Rick rescue Rick while Rick comes to terms with his guilt over Rick’s death—garnered a record 12.3 million viewers.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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