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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Walking Sports Database Scorns Walking Sci-Fi Database

PASSAIC, NJ—Scott Moreland, a walking database of sports facts and figures, scorned Tim Dansby, a walking database of science-fiction anecdotes and trivia, Monday afternoon.

Sci-fi geek Tim Dansby (right), the object of sports geek Scott Moreland's (left) mockery and derision.

"God, what a friggin' geek," said Moreland, eyeing Dansby in the food court of Willowbrook Mall. "Saturday nights, I bet he gets together with his other geek buddies and whacks off to Star Wars on video. He's probably never even gotten laid."

Moreland, a 27-year-old bachelor who spends most Saturday nights watching ESPN and checking for injury updates on CNNSI.com, then left the food court and headed to The Fan Zone, where he browsed a rack of extra-large New York Giants jerseys.

"Back in high school, there were a bunch of guys like that in my study hall. They'd spend the entire period talking about Alien Nation. I swear, they knew every line from every episode by heart," said Moreland, who can recite the batting average and on-base percentage of every member of the '86 Mets. "Who needs to memorize that kind of stuff? How useless is that?"

A self-described "sports fanatic" who experiences vicarious thrills through such idols as Mike Piazza and Tiki Barber, Moreland said he can't understand science-fiction fans' obsession with make-believe characters like Captain Kirk and Boba Fett.

"Guys like [Dansby], they see these pretend people on TV and in the movies, and they think they're real," said Moreland, who once waited in line for three hours to get New York Knicks guard Charlie Ward's autograph at an Edison, NJ, Modell's sporting-goods store. "How sad is that, to live your life through these fictional characters from, like, Star Trek and stuff? It's like these sci-fi nerds can't handle the real world, so they hide in a fake one."

En route from The Fan Zone to Lidz, a mall baseball-cap shop, Moreland spotted Dansby emerging from The Astral Plane, a store specializing in fantasy games and figurines.

"The guy even dresses like a total geek," said Moreland, who rarely leaves the house without a jersey or T-shirt displaying his team loyalties. "What does his shirt say? Akira? Whatever that is, I'm sure it's not cool."

Added Moreland: "The Islanders are gonna kick some major ass this year. They picked up [Alexei] Yashin from the Senators and [Chris] Osgood from the Red Wings. And Mark Parrish looks way improved from last season. Don't be surprised if we give the Flyers a serious run for their money in the Atlantic."

Watching Dansby exit The Astral Plane with a "Forgotten Realms" interactive atlas CD-ROM under his arm, Moreland questioned the science-fiction fan's enjoyment of role-playing games.

"What is that all about? Imaginary elves and shit running around doing imaginary things and winning imaginary gold?" Moreland asked. "I mean, I could see playing D&D when you're 12 years old, but this guy's got to be at least 25. It's pathetic."

As of press time, Moreland's online ESPN.com fantasy-football team, DaJerseyJintz, was 4-1.

Dansby said he is unfazed by the contempt in which he is held by sports fans.

"Like I care what some big, fat, stupid sports fan thinks of me," said Dansby, watching Moreland exit the mall, Jason Sehorn jersey in tow. "I bet the last book that guy read was called The Michael Jordan Story or something. Quite a literary masterwork, I'm sure."

Dansby added that he is nearly finished with Timothy Zahn's Dark Force Rising, which he praised as being "in the 80th percentile of Star Wars novels."

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