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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The President Of Vice

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Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost

WASHINGTON—According to an incident report filed by the Secret Service, special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress call from Number One Observatory Circle and arrived to discover Vice President Joe Biden chained to a bed, spread-eagle, with a pair of cutoff denim shorts around his ankles. Though White House officials have refused to comment, the report indicates that Biden told agents his wallet was missing and detailed its contents as a lucky two-dollar bill, a Sizzler gift card, and a Federal Bikini Inspector badge. After further questioning of the vice president, the Secret Service advised local law enforcement to be on the lookout for a stolen white 1981 Trans Am driven by "this real feisty little firecracker."

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