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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad

FORT WAYNE, IN—The addition of walnuts significantly improved an area chicken salad Monday, resulting in a more enjoyable taste experience for its eaters. The salad, made by Gladys Peldsen for a dinner party, was described by one guest as “markedly improved” by the inclusion of the walnuts. The impact of the walnuts did not surprise Herbert Fremmit of the U.S. Walnut Awareness Center in Washington, DC. “Walnuts add crunchiness to the otherwise soft texture of a chicken salad.” Peldsen was reportedly pleased by the added zest.

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