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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use

The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager:

HALLER (CONT): And some more good news... we have seen continued growth in the sales our compact head wand massager. This is a big, big product. (audience snickers) It's true. This product is huge. (more snickers from audience) Well, what the... what's everyone laughing about? Gaines, what's going on?
GAINES: Well sir, it's just that it's, um, fairly common knowledge... or it's suspected that, um... that some individuals are not using it to... um... massage their back muscles but in fact use the product to... uh, massage other... er, more sensitive parts of their bodies.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: For, er, sexual stimulation. I'm sorry sir.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: Like I said, I didn't want to...
HALLER: Is this true? Did you all know about this? You did? Oh my God. I mean, how could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! It's a family product! You just can't put it... anywhere. It hasn't been tested for ...oh my God... and it's not GOING to be tested for that. Ever. It's for backs! And backs only! This is supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother! Not some perverted piece of sporting equipment for your... genitals. What's wrong with people today? Has everyone gone completely insane? Do you think you can just put ANYTHING down there? If this company made a nice portable humidifier would everyone just put it... jam it right down their pants? Is that what they'd do? This makes me sick, just SICK. My father built this company. (inhaling deeply) You know, you work your whole life... trying to do something that will help people... make the world a little... (crying) and then someone comes along and turns your life's work into... trash. That's it, we’re taking it off the market.
CRAWFORD: But John, this is one of our best-selling products. We can't just--
HALLER: I don't care! I don't care if it is. We're recalling all of them and we're throwing them all away. No, we're burning them. God! Sick! We're done for the day. No questions!

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