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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use

The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager:

HALLER (CONT): And some more good news... we have seen continued growth in the sales our compact head wand massager. This is a big, big product. (audience snickers) It's true. This product is huge. (more snickers from audience) Well, what the... what's everyone laughing about? Gaines, what's going on?
GAINES: Well sir, it's just that it's, um, fairly common knowledge... or it's suspected that, um... that some individuals are not using it to... um... massage their back muscles but in fact use the product to... uh, massage other... er, more sensitive parts of their bodies.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: For, er, sexual stimulation. I'm sorry sir.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: Like I said, I didn't want to...
HALLER: Is this true? Did you all know about this? You did? Oh my God. I mean, how could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! It's a family product! You just can't put it... anywhere. It hasn't been tested for ...oh my God... and it's not GOING to be tested for that. Ever. It's for backs! And backs only! This is supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother! Not some perverted piece of sporting equipment for your... genitals. What's wrong with people today? Has everyone gone completely insane? Do you think you can just put ANYTHING down there? If this company made a nice portable humidifier would everyone just put it... jam it right down their pants? Is that what they'd do? This makes me sick, just SICK. My father built this company. (inhaling deeply) You know, you work your whole life... trying to do something that will help people... make the world a little... (crying) and then someone comes along and turns your life's work into... trash. That's it, we’re taking it off the market.
CRAWFORD: But John, this is one of our best-selling products. We can't just--
HALLER: I don't care! I don't care if it is. We're recalling all of them and we're throwing them all away. No, we're burning them. God! Sick! We're done for the day. No questions!

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