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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use

The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager:

HALLER (CONT): And some more good news... we have seen continued growth in the sales our compact head wand massager. This is a big, big product. (audience snickers) It's true. This product is huge. (more snickers from audience) Well, what the... what's everyone laughing about? Gaines, what's going on?
GAINES: Well sir, it's just that it's, um, fairly common knowledge... or it's suspected that, um... that some individuals are not using it to... um... massage their back muscles but in fact use the product to... uh, massage other... er, more sensitive parts of their bodies.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: For, er, sexual stimulation. I'm sorry sir.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: Like I said, I didn't want to...
HALLER: Is this true? Did you all know about this? You did? Oh my God. I mean, how could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! It's a family product! You just can't put it... anywhere. It hasn't been tested for ...oh my God... and it's not GOING to be tested for that. Ever. It's for backs! And backs only! This is supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother! Not some perverted piece of sporting equipment for your... genitals. What's wrong with people today? Has everyone gone completely insane? Do you think you can just put ANYTHING down there? If this company made a nice portable humidifier would everyone just put it... jam it right down their pants? Is that what they'd do? This makes me sick, just SICK. My father built this company. (inhaling deeply) You know, you work your whole life... trying to do something that will help people... make the world a little... (crying) and then someone comes along and turns your life's work into... trash. That's it, we’re taking it off the market.
CRAWFORD: But John, this is one of our best-selling products. We can't just--
HALLER: I don't care! I don't care if it is. We're recalling all of them and we're throwing them all away. No, we're burning them. God! Sick! We're done for the day. No questions!

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