adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
End Of Section
  • More News

Wand Massager Recalled For Inappropriate Use

The Onion News Network obtained this transcript of the Conair annual stockholders’ meeting which led CEO John Haller to recall the company’s popular wand massager:

HALLER (CONT): And some more good news... we have seen continued growth in the sales our compact head wand massager. This is a big, big product. (audience snickers) It's true. This product is huge. (more snickers from audience) Well, what the... what's everyone laughing about? Gaines, what's going on?
GAINES: Well sir, it's just that it's, um, fairly common knowledge... or it's suspected that, um... that some individuals are not using it to... um... massage their back muscles but in fact use the product to... uh, massage other... er, more sensitive parts of their bodies.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: For, er, sexual stimulation. I'm sorry sir.
HALLER: Oh my God.
GAINES: Like I said, I didn't want to...
HALLER: Is this true? Did you all know about this? You did? Oh my God. I mean, how could anybody think to use it for that? Jesus! It's a family product! You just can't put it... anywhere. It hasn't been tested for ...oh my God... and it's not GOING to be tested for that. Ever. It's for backs! And backs only! This is supposed to be a nice gift for your grandmother! Not some perverted piece of sporting equipment for your... genitals. What's wrong with people today? Has everyone gone completely insane? Do you think you can just put ANYTHING down there? If this company made a nice portable humidifier would everyone just put it... jam it right down their pants? Is that what they'd do? This makes me sick, just SICK. My father built this company. (inhaling deeply) You know, you work your whole life... trying to do something that will help people... make the world a little... (crying) and then someone comes along and turns your life's work into... trash. That's it, we’re taking it off the market.
CRAWFORD: But John, this is one of our best-selling products. We can't just--
HALLER: I don't care! I don't care if it is. We're recalling all of them and we're throwing them all away. No, we're burning them. God! Sick! We're done for the day. No questions!

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close