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War Talks Begin At Camp Goliath

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

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PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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War Talks Begin At Camp Goliath

THURMONT, MD–Unable to reach an accord after two weeks of peace talks at Camp David, Palestinian and Israeli leaders moved to Camp Goliath Monday to begin war talks. "It's still early in the war process, but we have every reason to be optimistic," Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak said. "I am fully confident that by week's end, we will reach an impasse and achieve a state of open hostility between Arabs and Jews." Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat agreed. "From Palestinian sovereignty in East Jerusalem to the fate of West Bank refugee settlements, there is so much we disagree about," Arafat said. "The gap between us should not be difficult to widen." The talks will be brokered by former president Gerald Ford, who won the Nobel War Prize for his role in the 1973 Camp Goliath summit that led to the Yom Kippur War.

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