Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat

CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat. “This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI. “There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.” In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.