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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat

CHICAGO—With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat. “This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI. “There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.” In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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