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Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been enriching uranium:

  • Changes In Friend Groups: Has your teen has begun hanging out with physicists or the leaders of Middle Eastern nations recently?
  • Sudden Shift In Mood Or Energy Level: If your teen is exhibiting a loss of energy, depression, or frequent vomiting, these could be signs he or she is suffering radiation poisoning as a result of frequent exposure to highly enriched uranium.
  • Frequent Requests To Borrow Money: If your teen asks you for $10 or 15 million, ask him what he needs it for. If he won't tell you or if it seems like he is being dishonest about why he needs it, it could be a sign of trouble.
  • Strange Phone Calls Or Unusual Visits: If a teen is ’toping, you may notice the United Nations calling your house at odd hours of the night or international weapons inspectors dropping by unannounced.
  • Change In Clothing Choices: If you notice your child wearing full-body hazardous material suits, ask him or her about it. Is it just a fashion statement... or something more?
  • Falling Grades: If your teen isn’t finishing her homework, it may be because she has been spending hundreds of hours in an underground laboratory separating isotopes and traveling the world to take meetings with terrorists or separatist militias.
  • Nuclear-Enrichment Paraphernalia In Bedroom: No parent wants to be a snoop, but if you happen to notice centrifuges, molecular lasers, chalkboards filled with complex physics equations or a tunnel leading from your teen's room to an underground facility, it could indicate your teen is involved in things he shouldn’t be.

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