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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been enriching uranium:

  • Changes In Friend Groups: Has your teen has begun hanging out with physicists or the leaders of Middle Eastern nations recently?
  • Sudden Shift In Mood Or Energy Level: If your teen is exhibiting a loss of energy, depression, or frequent vomiting, these could be signs he or she is suffering radiation poisoning as a result of frequent exposure to highly enriched uranium.
  • Frequent Requests To Borrow Money: If your teen asks you for $10 or 15 million, ask him what he needs it for. If he won't tell you or if it seems like he is being dishonest about why he needs it, it could be a sign of trouble.
  • Strange Phone Calls Or Unusual Visits: If a teen is ’toping, you may notice the United Nations calling your house at odd hours of the night or international weapons inspectors dropping by unannounced.
  • Change In Clothing Choices: If you notice your child wearing full-body hazardous material suits, ask him or her about it. Is it just a fashion statement... or something more?
  • Falling Grades: If your teen isn’t finishing her homework, it may be because she has been spending hundreds of hours in an underground laboratory separating isotopes and traveling the world to take meetings with terrorists or separatist militias.
  • Nuclear-Enrichment Paraphernalia In Bedroom: No parent wants to be a snoop, but if you happen to notice centrifuges, molecular lasers, chalkboards filled with complex physics equations or a tunnel leading from your teen's room to an underground facility, it could indicate your teen is involved in things he shouldn’t be.

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