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Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Enriching Uranium

This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been enriching uranium:

  • Changes In Friend Groups: Has your teen has begun hanging out with physicists or the leaders of Middle Eastern nations recently?
  • Sudden Shift In Mood Or Energy Level: If your teen is exhibiting a loss of energy, depression, or frequent vomiting, these could be signs he or she is suffering radiation poisoning as a result of frequent exposure to highly enriched uranium.
  • Frequent Requests To Borrow Money: If your teen asks you for $10 or 15 million, ask him what he needs it for. If he won't tell you or if it seems like he is being dishonest about why he needs it, it could be a sign of trouble.
  • Strange Phone Calls Or Unusual Visits: If a teen is ’toping, you may notice the United Nations calling your house at odd hours of the night or international weapons inspectors dropping by unannounced.
  • Change In Clothing Choices: If you notice your child wearing full-body hazardous material suits, ask him or her about it. Is it just a fashion statement... or something more?
  • Falling Grades: If your teen isn’t finishing her homework, it may be because she has been spending hundreds of hours in an underground laboratory separating isotopes and traveling the world to take meetings with terrorists or separatist militias.
  • Nuclear-Enrichment Paraphernalia In Bedroom: No parent wants to be a snoop, but if you happen to notice centrifuges, molecular lasers, chalkboards filled with complex physics equations or a tunnel leading from your teen's room to an underground facility, it could indicate your teen is involved in things he shouldn’t be.

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