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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Warren Buffett Can’t Believe He Has To Live Next To Powerball Winner

OMAHA, NE—Shaking his head as workers installed a fountain on his neighbor’s front lawn, business magnate Warren Buffett told reporters Wednesday that he cannot believe he’s stuck living next to the latest recipient of a Powerball jackpot. “Oh, what a treat, I get to be neighbors with some guy who walked into a gas station one day and asked a computer to pick six numbers,” said the multibillionaire investor, closing his window to avoid hearing the electronic dance music blasting from the $600 million prize winner’s poolside speaker system. “A Lamborghini, too? How original. I have no idea where this chump was living last week, but I give him one, two years tops before he blows it all and has to crawl back with his tail between his legs.” At press time, the so-called Oracle of Omaha was instructing his personal assistant to politely decline his neighbor’s invitation to go bison hunting together from his new helicopter.

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