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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Warren Buffett Can’t Believe He Has To Live Next To Powerball Winner

OMAHA, NE—Shaking his head as workers installed a fountain on his neighbor’s front lawn, business magnate Warren Buffett told reporters Wednesday that he cannot believe he’s stuck living next to the latest recipient of a Powerball jackpot. “Oh, what a treat, I get to be neighbors with some guy who walked into a gas station one day and asked a computer to pick six numbers,” said the multibillionaire investor, closing his window to avoid hearing the electronic dance music blasting from the $600 million prize winner’s poolside speaker system. “A Lamborghini, too? How original. I have no idea where this chump was living last week, but I give him one, two years tops before he blows it all and has to crawl back with his tail between his legs.” At press time, the so-called Oracle of Omaha was instructing his personal assistant to politely decline his neighbor’s invitation to go bison hunting together from his new helicopter.

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