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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the duration of this year’s NCAA tournament. “I was looking for some way to add to the already amazing spectacle of March Madness and came up with something actually quite simple: Dick Vitale keeps his goddamn mouth shut for the next three weeks and he gets a billion dollars,” said Buffett, stressing that the challenge is in no way a publicity stunt and that he is fully prepared to pay out if Vitale “doesn’t say one fucking word” for the entirety of the tournament. “The odds of success are obviously very, very small—nearly impossible, in fact—but you never know. And while some people say putting up such a huge sum of money is crazy, I think if something that incredible happened it would be well worth a billion dollars. There’s no prize for coming close, though, so one ‘slam, bam, jam’ or ‘diaper dandy’ and it’s unfortunately over.” At press time, sources confirmed that Vitale had already blown it.

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