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Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the duration of this year’s NCAA tournament. “I was looking for some way to add to the already amazing spectacle of March Madness and came up with something actually quite simple: Dick Vitale keeps his goddamn mouth shut for the next three weeks and he gets a billion dollars,” said Buffett, stressing that the challenge is in no way a publicity stunt and that he is fully prepared to pay out if Vitale “doesn’t say one fucking word” for the entirety of the tournament. “The odds of success are obviously very, very small—nearly impossible, in fact—but you never know. And while some people say putting up such a huge sum of money is crazy, I think if something that incredible happened it would be well worth a billion dollars. There’s no prize for coming close, though, so one ‘slam, bam, jam’ or ‘diaper dandy’ and it’s unfortunately over.” At press time, sources confirmed that Vitale had already blown it.

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