adBlockCheck

Sports

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the duration of this year’s NCAA tournament. “I was looking for some way to add to the already amazing spectacle of March Madness and came up with something actually quite simple: Dick Vitale keeps his goddamn mouth shut for the next three weeks and he gets a billion dollars,” said Buffett, stressing that the challenge is in no way a publicity stunt and that he is fully prepared to pay out if Vitale “doesn’t say one fucking word” for the entirety of the tournament. “The odds of success are obviously very, very small—nearly impossible, in fact—but you never know. And while some people say putting up such a huge sum of money is crazy, I think if something that incredible happened it would be well worth a billion dollars. There’s no prize for coming close, though, so one ‘slam, bam, jam’ or ‘diaper dandy’ and it’s unfortunately over.” At press time, sources confirmed that Vitale had already blown it.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close