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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-level club in the Greek Basket League.

"Bud is proud to bring his experience, his attitude, and, of course, his unique brand of dogged on-court antics to Kolossos," read a press release from Buddy's agent published Friday. "He looks forward to meeting the fans and making whatever contribution the team asks of him, whether it’s sinking his patented three-point 'muzzle shots' or helping young Hellenic players find the confidence to believe in themselves."

Although the deal has been in the works for several weeks now, it was only formally announced this week when the Euroleague regulations committee, after long deliberation, found that nothing in the Greek rulebook says a dog can't play basketball.

Although Kolossos team officials would not divulge details of the contract, it is not believed to exceed the mid-five figures or extend beyond the GBL's 2013 season, terms most basketball insiders agreed were generous for a somewhat overweight dog in the twilight of his basketball career.

"We are happy to have Buddy, and while he may not start, we intend to have him come out from under the bench late in games, as his tenacity and instinct for protecting a lead are unmatched," Kolossos coach Giannis Sferopoulos said. "In fact, age and size limitations aside, I have never seen a player chase a ball with more determination than Buddy."

The signing was not universally lauded. Many Greek sportswriters characterized the acquisition of a former canine star as a pure publicity move by Kolossos designed to fill more of Venetoklio arena's 1,342 seats. And many American sportswriters argued that, after the whirlwind of media attention Buddy enjoyed in his youth, the dog might simply be unable to quit the spotlight.

"I'm not denying he had talent—he was the best basketball-playing dog of his generation, period, full stop," Sports Illustrated's Sam Amick said. "In his day, all the bullies and abusive coaches in the world couldn't stop him. But even setting aside all the career distractions he's put himself through—the forays into football and soccer, his business relationship with Disney, all that cringeworthy stuff with the Air Buddies—we can't ignore that he's now an old dog, and the sleek young slam-dunking retriever we all remember from the 1990s is gone forever."

"I can understand his reluctance to go to a nice farm team, with all that implies," said writer Bill Simmons, who devoted 256 pages to Buddy's career in his 2009 opus The Book Of Basketball. "But frankly, Bud is looking really tuckered these days. It may be time for someone close to him to say, 'Hey, Bud! Would you like to curl up for a nice nap in your dog bed? Would you? Huh? Would you, boy?' Otherwise, Kolossos Rodou may accidentally find itself in an argument over whether or not dogs go to heaven."

Still, even Buddy's harshest critics acknowledged the aging dog would perform to the best of his dwindling ability and, furthermore, live up to his legacy by at least turning in a complete and total effort.

"Like all dogs, Buddy only knows one speed—all out," ESPN basketball correspondent John Hollinger said. "Unfortunately, that speed isn't what it used to be. But his effect on team morale is great, and he's a good influence on younger players, particularly if any of those players are still struggling to come to terms with the recent deaths of their fathers in tragic airplane accidents."

At press time, Buddy had played only six minutes in Sunday's loss to Kavala, scoring five points in 2-for-5 shooting from the floor, earning two assists, and greatly helping fellow American expatriate player Ruben Boykin deal with his homesickness issues.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

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