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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Washed-Up Toddler Can’t Point Out Things Like He Used To

TOLEDO, OH—Acknowledging that his best years were most likely behind him, local 2-year-old Spencer Boyd admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t quite point out things like he used to in his prime. “A month ago, I was so much quicker at letting everyone know if I saw a train, a car, a rock—you name it,” said Boyd, adding that he couldn’t help but feel like, nowadays, he’s just going through the motions whenever he notices a bug, points at the bug, and says “bug” several times. “Yesterday, I saw a fire truck. A big, red fire truck, going fast, but I just kept it to myself. I used to see something and say what it was right away. Now, I’ll stare at it for a few minutes first. I guess I’ve lost my touch.” At press time, the washed-up toddler was spotted desperately trying to reignite that lost spark by pointing out everything in his field of vision.

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