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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Washington Watcher: Pentagon Warns Of Viral Video Cyber Attack

According to a Pentagon statement, a raid on the the home of al Qaeda operative Khalid al Shehri revealed a cache of tools which could have been used to conduct a second cyber attack: hundreds of kittens, many with little red bows tied around their necks, as well as several crates of teeny tiny Yoda costumes. The Pentagon stated they do not know at this time whether al Shehri's intent was to place the Star Wars costumes on babies or small dogs, but that either could have been devastatingly cute. Even more frightening, the raid also produced a detailed plan for kidnapping Justin Bieber. As a safety precaution, Pentagon officials immediately buried Bieber in a concrete casket six miles below the earth's surface.

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