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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.
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Washington Watcher: Pentagon Warns Of Viral Video Cyber Attack

According to a Pentagon statement, a raid on the the home of al Qaeda operative Khalid al Shehri revealed a cache of tools which could have been used to conduct a second cyber attack: hundreds of kittens, many with little red bows tied around their necks, as well as several crates of teeny tiny Yoda costumes. The Pentagon stated they do not know at this time whether al Shehri's intent was to place the Star Wars costumes on babies or small dogs, but that either could have been devastatingly cute. Even more frightening, the raid also produced a detailed plan for kidnapping Justin Bieber. As a safety precaution, Pentagon officials immediately buried Bieber in a concrete casket six miles below the earth's surface.

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