ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming that watching a series on DVD is "the way to do it." "There's no commercials, no waiting for next week's show, and you can stay up all night watching 14 episodes in a row if you want to," said Humphrey, adding that without the convenient digital medium, he would not have been able to view all three seasons of the canceled CW series Veronica Mars in a single week. "It turned out to be a pretty good show, and I would have never, ever watched that on regular TV because the time slots always changed. Who has the time to follow that stuff?" When asked if he had seen the final episode of The Wire, Humphrey became visibly upset, saying he is only on season three, and if reporters did not stop talking about it, he would leave the room.