After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Waters Tested As 12-Year-Old Says ‘Shit’ In Front Of Mom For First Time

SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying the word “shit” in front of his mother for the first time Friday. “I’ve been dipping my toe in there with ‘hell’ and ‘sucks’ for a while and she hasn’t really said anything yet, so I figured, hey, might as well jump in feet-first with ‘shit’ and see what happens,” the preteen said of his inaugural usage of the harsh expletive in his mother’s presence, adding that “if she freaked out, [he] could always just switch back to ‘crap,’ no problem.” “As far as I can tell, she didn’t really seem to react or notice, so it looks like I’m pretty good to go. I wonder what else I can get away with.” At press time, sources confirmed that Bartlett had abruptly learned the limits of his mother’s tolerance for profanity after diving right in the deep end and calling her a “fucking bitch.”

After Birth

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