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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Waters Tested As 12-Year-Old Says ‘Shit’ In Front Of Mom For First Time

SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying the word “shit” in front of his mother for the first time Friday. “I’ve been dipping my toe in there with ‘hell’ and ‘sucks’ for a while and she hasn’t really said anything yet, so I figured, hey, might as well jump in feet-first with ‘shit’ and see what happens,” the preteen said of his inaugural usage of the harsh expletive in his mother’s presence, adding that “if she freaked out, [he] could always just switch back to ‘crap,’ no problem.” “As far as I can tell, she didn’t really seem to react or notice, so it looks like I’m pretty good to go. I wonder what else I can get away with.” At press time, sources confirmed that Bartlett had abruptly learned the limits of his mother’s tolerance for profanity after diving right in the deep end and calling her a “fucking bitch.”

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