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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research

MINNEAPOLIS—The nonprofit organization Clean Airways announced Tuesday that it had raised the completely unnecessary sum of $140 million to further the study of bronchitis, a minor inflammation of the lungs which has claimed zero lives in 75 years and primarily affects smokers. "With this [ridiculous] amount of money, doctors will have the means to better understand bronchitis, and learn to treat it faster," Clean Airways spokeswoman Linda McDonald said about the marginal illness, which, unlike AIDS, cancer, or muscular dystrophy, usually clears up after two weeks. "Hopefully next year we can raise even more." Though McDonald did not comment on exactly how the record-breaking sum would be spent, she would not confirm or deny the possibility of simply purchasing 280 million bags of Halls orange-flavored mentholyptus cough drops.

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