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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research

MINNEAPOLIS—The nonprofit organization Clean Airways announced Tuesday that it had raised the completely unnecessary sum of $140 million to further the study of bronchitis, a minor inflammation of the lungs which has claimed zero lives in 75 years and primarily affects smokers. "With this [ridiculous] amount of money, doctors will have the means to better understand bronchitis, and learn to treat it faster," Clean Airways spokeswoman Linda McDonald said about the marginal illness, which, unlike AIDS, cancer, or muscular dystrophy, usually clears up after two weeks. "Hopefully next year we can raise even more." Though McDonald did not comment on exactly how the record-breaking sum would be spent, she would not confirm or deny the possibility of simply purchasing 280 million bags of Halls orange-flavored mentholyptus cough drops.

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