adBlockCheck

Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point

FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on a vicious, indiscriminate skewering rampage through the greater Fairfax area this morning. "As you can see, the question of what object a mentally ill person uses to harm another human being is not the issue, but rather a distraction designed to curtail the American people's constitutionally protected right to bear firearms," said the National Rifle Association vice president as he stabbed an innocent bystander in the chest with an 8-foot whaling harpoon in order to, reportedly, illustrate a thesis of sorts. "A harpoon, much like a rifle, is a tool used primarily for hunting, and yet many of our nation’s lawmakers insist upon drawing a legal distinction between the two. You see the point I’m making here, yes?" At press time, police confirmed that LaPierre had been apprehended and taken into custody, with officials reporting that the gun advocate's vicious 30-minute harpooning spree had thankfully left zero fatalities.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close