Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Food

Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point

FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on a vicious, indiscriminate skewering rampage through the greater Fairfax area this morning. "As you can see, the question of what object a mentally ill person uses to harm another human being is not the issue, but rather a distraction designed to curtail the American people's constitutionally protected right to bear firearms," said the National Rifle Association vice president as he stabbed an innocent bystander in the chest with an 8-foot whaling harpoon in order to, reportedly, illustrate a thesis of sorts. "A harpoon, much like a rifle, is a tool used primarily for hunting, and yet many of our nation’s lawmakers insist upon drawing a legal distinction between the two. You see the point I’m making here, yes?" At press time, police confirmed that LaPierre had been apprehended and taken into custody, with officials reporting that the gun advocate's vicious 30-minute harpooning spree had thankfully left zero fatalities.

Next Story