adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point

FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on a vicious, indiscriminate skewering rampage through the greater Fairfax area this morning. "As you can see, the question of what object a mentally ill person uses to harm another human being is not the issue, but rather a distraction designed to curtail the American people's constitutionally protected right to bear firearms," said the National Rifle Association vice president as he stabbed an innocent bystander in the chest with an 8-foot whaling harpoon in order to, reportedly, illustrate a thesis of sorts. "A harpoon, much like a rifle, is a tool used primarily for hunting, and yet many of our nation’s lawmakers insist upon drawing a legal distinction between the two. You see the point I’m making here, yes?" At press time, police confirmed that LaPierre had been apprehended and taken into custody, with officials reporting that the gun advocate's vicious 30-minute harpooning spree had thankfully left zero fatalities.

More from this section

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close