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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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WB Press Release Details Batman Movie

In what is being described as a "foreign policy game-changer," North Korean leader Kim Jong Il will give up his nation's nuclear program in exchange for the lead role in the next Batman film. The following press release was issued by Warner Brothers pictures this morning:

"Warner Brothers, in partnership with Legendary Pictures, the U.S. State Department, and Best Pyongyang Cinema Consortium, is thrilled to announce 'National Batman Hero For The Betterment Of Economic Self-Sufficiency,' an exciting new chapter in the globally beloved Batman franchise. The film follows National Batman Hero as he takes on a host of villainous Western Capitalists who seek to rob Gotham City of its ten thousand North Korean flags during the twice-daily Dancing Flag ceremony. After besting The Riddler (South Korean President Lee Myung Bak) and USA Laugh Nemesis (the late Heath Ledger, appearing in a CGI performance created by George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic), National Batman Hero thrusts himself with the strength of many phantoms against his greatest obstacle yet: A volcano at the center of Gotham City that threatens to bury its workers under Western propaganda literature and a dragon/snake monster who drinks the blood of workers. Under the direction of Christopher Nolan, and co-starring Celine Dion as National Batman Hero's butler Alfred, 'NBHFTBOESS' is an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride featuring more than ten large-scale musical numbers that will leave you cheering in a respectful and orderly manner."

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