We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports

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Vol 47 Issue 21

Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year

CHICAGO—The Royale restaurant near Rogers Park commemorated its fifth weird year of business Monday the same way it celebrated its opening: with a vague attempt to attract customers by stringing brightly colored plastic flags from the mysterious eatery's storefront to a nearby utility pole.

Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda.

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports

TULSA, OK—According to 37-year-old aficionado Niles Stefanovich, who said he's been following this for a really long time, we are currently living through a golden age of the thing he personally enjoys, takes great interest in, and is knowledgeable of. "What we're seeing now is a full-on renaissance—it hasn't been this good since the '70s," Stefanovich told reporters Tuesday, listing several examples of the thing now getting "way overdue" recognition. "I think people will look back at 2011 as a crucial turning point for [the thing]." Stefanovich warned that it was only a matter of time before it all got completely watered-down, so people should enjoy it now before the whole thing gets co-opted by Nike or McDonald's.

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