adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wealthy Donors Pump Millions Into Sanders’ Campaign In Last-Ditch Effort To Destroy His Credibility

NEW YORK—Grasping for any way to halt the Democratic candidate’s momentum, a coalition of wealthy donors reportedly pumped millions of dollars into Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign this week in a last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility. “Unfortunately, our attempts to attack his message and brand him as a radical have had little effect on his poll numbers, so the only option left on the table was a massive, coordinated barrage of maximum-level contributions directly to his campaign,” said hedge fund manager Robert Mercer, who, along with hundreds of other high-net-worth investors and major financial corporations, has funded a new super PAC known as Corporate America For Bernie, which has already debuted a series of laudatory, pro-Sanders television and radio ads aimed at undermining the candidate. “Our strategy is to hit Bernie with a few million in direct support in New Hampshire, and then unleash an all-out flood of money into his pocket in the run-up to Super Tuesday. We have the resources to keep funding him for as long as it takes to get him out of the race. I can assure you that we will not hesitate to give upwards of $5 million or even $10 million apiece to Bernie’s campaign if that’s what it takes to stop Bernie’s campaign.” At press time, the newly cash-flush Sanders campaign was launching a series of attack ads targeting its own excessive wealth and influence.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close