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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Wealthy Donors Pump Millions Into Sanders’ Campaign In Last-Ditch Effort To Destroy His Credibility

NEW YORK—Grasping for any way to halt the Democratic candidate’s momentum, a coalition of wealthy donors reportedly pumped millions of dollars into Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign this week in a last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility. “Unfortunately, our attempts to attack his message and brand him as a radical have had little effect on his poll numbers, so the only option left on the table was a massive, coordinated barrage of maximum-level contributions directly to his campaign,” said hedge fund manager Robert Mercer, who, along with hundreds of other high-net-worth investors and major financial corporations, has funded a new super PAC known as Corporate America For Bernie, which has already debuted a series of laudatory, pro-Sanders television and radio ads aimed at undermining the candidate. “Our strategy is to hit Bernie with a few million in direct support in New Hampshire, and then unleash an all-out flood of money into his pocket in the run-up to Super Tuesday. We have the resources to keep funding him for as long as it takes to get him out of the race. I can assure you that we will not hesitate to give upwards of $5 million or even $10 million apiece to Bernie’s campaign if that’s what it takes to stop Bernie’s campaign.” At press time, the newly cash-flush Sanders campaign was launching a series of attack ads targeting its own excessive wealth and influence.

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