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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Wealthy, Famous Individual Described As ‘Totally Down-To-Earth’ By Thousands Of Acquaintances, All Of Whom Are Lying

LOS ANGELES—A high-powered, rich, and famous industry player is routinely described as “low-key” and “totally down-to-earth” by countless acquaintances and friends, each and every one of whom is lying through their teeth, sources confirmed Thursday. “He’s just like this cool, normal guy,” said one lying acquaintance, trying to project an image wherein the massive celebrity seems approachable and humble, both attributes that the Hollywood megastar doesn’t even come close to embodying. “I knew him before he had all this success, and trust me, wealth hasn’t changed him. He’s friendly, relatable, and just a general salt-of-the-earth dude.” At press time, the celebrity’s acquaintances were checking this article to see if they were quoted, in hopes that the famous individual would also see the piece, take note of their loyalty, and then go on to use his industry clout to give them opportunities to make large sums of money or acquire fame themselves.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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