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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Wealthy Father Nervously Waits For Response After Sending Donations To Son’s Top College Choices

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices. “I sent in contributions to eight different schools all over the country and haven’t heard anything back yet,” said Fring, who added that while he submitted large sums to each of the private universities, he knew that thousands of other high school seniors’ well-off parents had done the exact same thing, so at the end of the day, it was just a crapshoot. “I really hope I get positive news from Duke. My son’s wanted to go there forever, and I feel really good about the amount of cash I sent them, so hopefully I have a decent shot. Fingers crossed.” At press time, sources reported that Fring had become excited after receiving an envelope from Vanderbilt, only to quickly grow dejected upon opening it and finding a simple form letter thanking him for his gift.

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