adBlockCheck

Weather-Weary Nation Not Surprised By Forecast Of Blood Storms

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Weather-Weary Nation Not Surprised By Forecast Of Blood Storms

WASHINGTON, DC—A National Weather Service advisory predicting that graphic blood storms will touch ground in the southern U.S. Wednesday is being met with numb resignation by weather-weary Americans.

Satellite image of the approaching storm of blood.

"Guess I should go buy some plastic tarps and cover up the house, or what remains of it," said Scott Huster of Waveland, MS, echoing the sentiments of a nation battered in recent months by a succession of violent hurricanes, tropical storms, and tornadoes.

According to the advisory, clouds of pure blood have congealed in the atmosphere above Port-au-Prince, Haiti and are heading north at speeds of up to 80 miles per hour. NWS meteorologists predict that the unprecedented storm will splatter most of the Gulf states and West Coast by Friday.

"I suppose I'll have to cancel the barbecue," said Larry Milhouse of Kiln, MS.

Meteorologists are predicting an epic storm of biblical proportions, marked by bullet-velocity winds and flash blooding in low-lying areas. In the Great Lakes and New England states, blood may even coagulate and freeze into softball-sized clot-hail, shattering windows, damaging roofs, and triggering massive blockages on roads and highways.

"Blood-hail can't be any worse than the early thaw in spring," Vermont mother of four Stacey Boswell said. "Still, I'd better take the clothes off the line."

During a Monday night press conference, acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison recommended that citizens of the Southwest evacuate the area immediately, in order to avoid bile blizzards and packs of marauding wolves.

"We recommend that people stay indoors during the storms," Paulison said. "In addition to gale-force winds, the blood storms carry multiple forms of bacteria and disease, such as Hepatitis B."

Georgia resident James Treadwell had a characteristic response to the warnings.

"I'll just put on some extra-thick boots," Treadwell said. "I'll get an umbrella, and cover up my open cuts."

Naples, FL resident Kathy English said she is determined not to let the gruesome weather disrupt her everyday routine.

"I'm not that worried—at least the blood's supposed to be warm, unlike the sleet that got us last fall," said English, a dog-walker who does not expect a decline in her business during the storm. "Plus, it's only supposed to be a Category 3 blood storm."

According to NWS spokesperson Joe Colby, the worst blood storm conceivable is a Category 5 on the Saffir-Savini Meteorosanguinity Scale. In this type of storm, bubbling, boiling blood the consistency of corn syrup pours from the skies, scalding every exposed living thing and sparking fires.

Although FEMA officials have encouraged citizens to evacuate to Canada, many Americans have opted to wait it out.

"I've driven in the early-season blizzards for the past three weeks—how much worse can a little blood be?" said Indiana resident Clark Merrit. "I also worked in a slaughterhouse for 20 years, and trust me, you get used to the smell."

The storm is expected to just miss the Pacific Northwest, a fact that greatly relieves residents there, who are gearing up for a possible shitstorm this weekend.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close