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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

VALLEJO, CA–The web-browser history on Allen and Christine Pollard's home iMac computer provides a comprehensive chronicle of the couple's deepest frustrations and desires, sources reported Monday.

Allen and Christine Pollard's recent hits.

"By simply opening Allen and Christine's Internet Explorer history folder, we find their innermost longings laid bare," said Dr. Terrence Kimble, dean of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. "From emotionally stunted, sexually frustrated Allen's frequent visits to porn and Camaro sites to childless Christine's frequent visits to baby-clothes sites, it's all right there."

According to Kimble, the Pollards' browser history, which logs the 200 most recent hits by users of the computer, "offers a glimpse into an entire universe of unvoiced pain and disappointment."

"As the Pollards enter their late 30s, all the dissatisfaction they hide from the world and, in most cases, each other can be easily found under the menu heading 'Go,'" Kimble said. "Because he knows Christine loves living in suburbia, Allen never talks to her about his dream of roughing it in a cabin in the Rockies. He just spends hours surfing the REI and Patagonia sites, filling his virtual shopping cart with lanterns and sleeping bags, then logs out without purchasing anything."

"Likewise," Kimble continued, "although Christine tells her friends that she and Allen have decided they aren't ready to have children, her www.babynames.com bookmark tells a different story."

The unfulfilled desire to procreate is by no means Christine's only source of unhappiness, Kimble said.

"While she maintains a cheery and fun-loving front, it is obvious that Christine has deep-seated self-esteem issues," Kimble said. "She is all but addicted to online quizzes like Redbook's 'Does Your Wardrobe Give Away Your Age?' and Cosmo's 'Are You A Bore In Bed?' With her high-school cheerleading days far behind her, Christine has yet to find a new identity with which she is comfortable."

By carefully examining the history log, it's even possible to reconstruct Allen and Christine's respective thought processes.

"Let's look at Christine's time online last night," said Kimble, pointing to an opened history folder on the computer screen. "She starts at the Godiva gourmet chocolates online gift catalog at 7:35 p.m. Then it's on to eDiets.com at 7:43 p.m. and the Nordic Track web site at 7:45. I'm guessing she clicked on a banner ad at eDiets to get there. Then it's on to 'Liposuction FAQs' at 7:52. Next is a page titled, 'Sexy Swimwear Sale: Dare To Be Bare.' Then, at 8:06 p.m., it's back to the Godiva chocolates secure-server online order form."

Allen and Christine Pollard.

Christine admitted she keeps the details of her Internet surfing from her spouse.

"I don't mention this to Allen, because he would just say I'm being too self-critical, but I wish my nose weren't so big," Christine said. "I tried some of the de-emphasizing makeup tricks on the Maybelline site, but it's clear that what I really need to do is see a professional. Plasticsurgery.com says the procedure only takes six hours and is totally safe."

While Christine's browser history exposes her insecurities about her appearance, Allen's web-surfing patterns reveal his career dissatisfaction.

"It's obvious that Allen wants to quit his dead-end job at the bank and become an author," said Kimble, pointing to a list of Allen's web links to iUniverse.com and NextGreatAmericanNovel.com. "An author who works out of his cabin in the mountain, that is."

Despite doing so on a daily basis, the Pollards are oblivious to the fact that they pour their innermost frustrations into their blueberry iMac.

"We both really enjoy going online," Allen said. "It's just a great way to waste time and have a little fun."

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