Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

VALLEJO, CA–The web-browser history on Allen and Christine Pollard's home iMac computer provides a comprehensive chronicle of the couple's deepest frustrations and desires, sources reported Monday.

Allen and Christine Pollard's recent hits.

"By simply opening Allen and Christine's Internet Explorer history folder, we find their innermost longings laid bare," said Dr. Terrence Kimble, dean of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. "From emotionally stunted, sexually frustrated Allen's frequent visits to porn and Camaro sites to childless Christine's frequent visits to baby-clothes sites, it's all right there."

According to Kimble, the Pollards' browser history, which logs the 200 most recent hits by users of the computer, "offers a glimpse into an entire universe of unvoiced pain and disappointment."

"As the Pollards enter their late 30s, all the dissatisfaction they hide from the world and, in most cases, each other can be easily found under the menu heading 'Go,'" Kimble said. "Because he knows Christine loves living in suburbia, Allen never talks to her about his dream of roughing it in a cabin in the Rockies. He just spends hours surfing the REI and Patagonia sites, filling his virtual shopping cart with lanterns and sleeping bags, then logs out without purchasing anything."

"Likewise," Kimble continued, "although Christine tells her friends that she and Allen have decided they aren't ready to have children, her www.babynames.com bookmark tells a different story."

The unfulfilled desire to procreate is by no means Christine's only source of unhappiness, Kimble said.

"While she maintains a cheery and fun-loving front, it is obvious that Christine has deep-seated self-esteem issues," Kimble said. "She is all but addicted to online quizzes like Redbook's 'Does Your Wardrobe Give Away Your Age?' and Cosmo's 'Are You A Bore In Bed?' With her high-school cheerleading days far behind her, Christine has yet to find a new identity with which she is comfortable."

By carefully examining the history log, it's even possible to reconstruct Allen and Christine's respective thought processes.

"Let's look at Christine's time online last night," said Kimble, pointing to an opened history folder on the computer screen. "She starts at the Godiva gourmet chocolates online gift catalog at 7:35 p.m. Then it's on to eDiets.com at 7:43 p.m. and the Nordic Track web site at 7:45. I'm guessing she clicked on a banner ad at eDiets to get there. Then it's on to 'Liposuction FAQs' at 7:52. Next is a page titled, 'Sexy Swimwear Sale: Dare To Be Bare.' Then, at 8:06 p.m., it's back to the Godiva chocolates secure-server online order form."

Allen and Christine Pollard.

Christine admitted she keeps the details of her Internet surfing from her spouse.

"I don't mention this to Allen, because he would just say I'm being too self-critical, but I wish my nose weren't so big," Christine said. "I tried some of the de-emphasizing makeup tricks on the Maybelline site, but it's clear that what I really need to do is see a professional. Plasticsurgery.com says the procedure only takes six hours and is totally safe."

While Christine's browser history exposes her insecurities about her appearance, Allen's web-surfing patterns reveal his career dissatisfaction.

"It's obvious that Allen wants to quit his dead-end job at the bank and become an author," said Kimble, pointing to a list of Allen's web links to iUniverse.com and NextGreatAmericanNovel.com. "An author who works out of his cabin in the mountain, that is."

Despite doing so on a daily basis, the Pollards are oblivious to the fact that they pour their innermost frustrations into their blueberry iMac.

"We both really enjoy going online," Allen said. "It's just a great way to waste time and have a little fun."