Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

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Vol 36 Issue 45

Direct Marketer Offended By Term 'Junk Mail'

SPOKANE, WA– Dan Spengler, CEO of the direct-mail-marketing firm Mailbox Of Savings, took umbrage Monday at the use of the term "junk mail." "I'm sorry, but we didn't earn receipts in excess of $8 million last year by filling people's mailboxes with 'junk,'" Spengler told the offending party. "How else will potential customers know about bargains like 500 mailing labels for $8.95 or 10 percent off framing at The Great Frame-Up if not by direct mail?" Added Spengler: "It's not like my company calls people at home like telemarketers. Everyone hates that."

Area Man Glad His Brother Is Giving Mom Grandkids

ROME, GA– Area resident Larry Spoerl was thrilled to learn Monday that his brother's wife is pregnant, temporarily relieving him of the pressure to produce grandchildren for his mother. "That's the most wonderful news I've heard in ages," the 31-year-old Spoerl told brother Marc. "Now I can get through Christmas without the whole so- are- you- dating- anyone- how- serious- is- it- does- she- want- a- family interrogation." Despite his momentary elation, Spoerl said his brother's expected child "only buys me a year or two at best."

Plastic Bag Still Up In Tree

BOISE, ID– Employees at Boise Mutual Insurance reported Monday that the red plastic shopping bag they first noticed Dec. 8 is still ensnared in the upper branches of a tree outside their workplace. "Well I'll be–the darn thing is still up there," payroll secretary Barb Weicherle said. "I really thought this weekend's gusts would have blown it out." Office manager Paul Probert was equally surprised, saying, "Son of a gun. It's still there."

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?

A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

VALLEJO, CA–The web-browser history on Allen and Christine Pollard's home iMac computer provides a comprehensive chronicle of the couple's deepest frustrations and desires, sources reported Monday.

Allen and Christine Pollard's recent hits.

"By simply opening Allen and Christine's Internet Explorer history folder, we find their innermost longings laid bare," said Dr. Terrence Kimble, dean of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. "From emotionally stunted, sexually frustrated Allen's frequent visits to porn and Camaro sites to childless Christine's frequent visits to baby-clothes sites, it's all right there."

According to Kimble, the Pollards' browser history, which logs the 200 most recent hits by users of the computer, "offers a glimpse into an entire universe of unvoiced pain and disappointment."

"As the Pollards enter their late 30s, all the dissatisfaction they hide from the world and, in most cases, each other can be easily found under the menu heading 'Go,'" Kimble said. "Because he knows Christine loves living in suburbia, Allen never talks to her about his dream of roughing it in a cabin in the Rockies. He just spends hours surfing the REI and Patagonia sites, filling his virtual shopping cart with lanterns and sleeping bags, then logs out without purchasing anything."

"Likewise," Kimble continued, "although Christine tells her friends that she and Allen have decided they aren't ready to have children, her www.babynames.com bookmark tells a different story."

The unfulfilled desire to procreate is by no means Christine's only source of unhappiness, Kimble said.

"While she maintains a cheery and fun-loving front, it is obvious that Christine has deep-seated self-esteem issues," Kimble said. "She is all but addicted to online quizzes like Redbook's 'Does Your Wardrobe Give Away Your Age?' and Cosmo's 'Are You A Bore In Bed?' With her high-school cheerleading days far behind her, Christine has yet to find a new identity with which she is comfortable."

By carefully examining the history log, it's even possible to reconstruct Allen and Christine's respective thought processes.

"Let's look at Christine's time online last night," said Kimble, pointing to an opened history folder on the computer screen. "She starts at the Godiva gourmet chocolates online gift catalog at 7:35 p.m. Then it's on to eDiets.com at 7:43 p.m. and the Nordic Track web site at 7:45. I'm guessing she clicked on a banner ad at eDiets to get there. Then it's on to 'Liposuction FAQs' at 7:52. Next is a page titled, 'Sexy Swimwear Sale: Dare To Be Bare.' Then, at 8:06 p.m., it's back to the Godiva chocolates secure-server online order form."

Allen and Christine Pollard.

Christine admitted she keeps the details of her Internet surfing from her spouse.

"I don't mention this to Allen, because he would just say I'm being too self-critical, but I wish my nose weren't so big," Christine said. "I tried some of the de-emphasizing makeup tricks on the Maybelline site, but it's clear that what I really need to do is see a professional. Plasticsurgery.com says the procedure only takes six hours and is totally safe."

While Christine's browser history exposes her insecurities about her appearance, Allen's web-surfing patterns reveal his career dissatisfaction.

"It's obvious that Allen wants to quit his dead-end job at the bank and become an author," said Kimble, pointing to a list of Allen's web links to iUniverse.com and NextGreatAmericanNovel.com. "An author who works out of his cabin in the mountain, that is."

Despite doing so on a daily basis, the Pollards are oblivious to the fact that they pour their innermost frustrations into their blueberry iMac.

"We both really enjoy going online," Allen said. "It's just a great way to waste time and have a little fun."

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