Web Gem Disappointing

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Vol 45 Issue 37

East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

JACKSONVILLE, FL—At a press conference Monday, Jaguars quarterback and East Carolina University alum David Garrard indicated through certain statements to reporters that "East Carolina" is one of the 50 United States. "I can say without hesitation that it is definitely my favorite of all the Carolinas," said the former ECU Pirate, who, when pressed, identified the imaginary commonwealth's capital as Greenville and its state bird as the red-necked grebe.

Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

WASHINGTON—Experts predict 39-year-old Doug Mahoney's most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland.

Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

RAS AL-KHAIMAH, UAE—Famed yacht club the Société Nautique de Genève suspended eight sailors from the Alinghi of Switzerland and BMW Oracle Racing teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd America's Cup.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Web Gem Disappointing

URBANA, IL—The No. 3 Web Gem of the Day, Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista's backhand pickup of an Evan Longoria grounder, was a "great disappointment" to avid baseball fan Andrew Missel, who questioned whether the play deserved any honor at all. "So, what—he just short-hopped the ball?" asked Missel, who has often expressed deep dissatisfaction with the rankings and nominations of the Baseball Tonight segment. "It's an okay play, I guess, but Web Gem material? Christ, the No. 5 Web Gem was better than that, and it wasn't even that amazing either. At least [Brewers outfielder Mike] Cameron had to run for the ball. This is a travesty." Missel went on to critique the pitch selection in the program's "That's Nasty!" segment, announcing to an empty living room that Roy Oswalt's pitch was nothing more than a hanging slider.

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