Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card

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Vol 40 Issue 17

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference. "Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired Killer magazine. "Striking the occipital was fine in the easygoing '90s—an audible thump and a sloppily collapsing body fit the casual feel of the times," read the article by Jonathan Grecco. "But the elegant silence of a strangle kill, and the skill that its proper execution demands, are too-too today, especially when a monofilament line is used to modernize this classic." The May issue also features 10 Ways First-Time Trigger-Men Screw Up A Body Disposal.

Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description

SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless amounts of Dave's shit isn't part of his job description. "I'm sorry, but I didn't come to the Second Cup just so [store manager] Dave [Shaw] could use me as his personal slave," Bowen said. "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend." Bowen added that he was hired as a barista, and maintenance work is so not what he's paid to do.

Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the garbage can at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the principal" before the semester's end.

National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?

You're Fired!

You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your final answer?" I've been saying it to everyone: my friends, my mailman, and even my mom! And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob!

Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime

Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to coordinate the efforts of America's intelligence and defense agencies and report directly to the president. I was, and continue to be, in a unique position to understand the threats and dangers our nation faces. It is with utmost confidence and sincerity that I assure each and every one of you that there was no way the federal government could have prevented the horrific events of Sept. 11 without accruing an enormous amount of overtime.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card

MISSOULA, MT—Only a thin tissue of lies screens area resident Jessica Jurgensen from the unpleasant reality that her friend Gina Tobler forgot her 34th birthday, which occurred four days ago.

Tobler and the still-unmailed birthday card for Jurgensen (inset).

"How did you like the card?" Tobler said in a carefully plotted phone call to Jurgensen Tuesday. "What?! I put it in the mail last week! I can't believe you didn't get it yet!"

The card, which currently sits inside a bowl of keys on Tobler's kitchen counter, is ready to be mailed, awaiting only the purchase of a stamp.

In lieu of a timely card, Tobler presented Jurgensen with an intricate work of fiction in which she cast herself as sensitive and considerate, if somewhat hapless.

"I can't wait until you see the card," Tobler said. "I ordered it online weeks ago. I hardly ever order things online, but it was so perfect, no other card would do. I waited for it for so long, I was about to get another card, but then it finally did end up arriving on Wednesday, April 14. I remember the day, because I was so relieved I'd be able to send it out with plenty of time."

By alternating statements of contrition and annoyance, Tobler created a smokescreen and bought herself the additional time required to devise a plan of action.

"I was going to mail the week before last, knowing how incredibly slow the post office can be," Tobler told her friend. "I planned to drop it in the mailbox across the street from my optometrist's office when I picked up my new glasses. See, I didn't want those incompetents who collect the mail in my office to get a chance to lose it. But then I was in a rush to get my car's oil changed, so I didn't. But then my mechanic told me I needed to replace my brakes immediately, and that I'd better leave my car there. By the time I got home in the cab, I realized I'd forgotten your card in the glove compartment. I was so mad at myself!"

To back up her story that she mailed the card last week, Tobler considered rolling back the date on the postage meter at work, but was unsure if she'd be able to figure out how to do so. Instead, she created the following blueprint: She will place the birthday card into the mail with insufficient postage. When the birthday card is returned, she will smudge the original postage date—should there be one—or obscure it with an additional stamp.

In the meantime, she will maintain a steady stream of disinformation to baffle her friend.

"If you haven't gotten your card yet, maybe I should just go to the store and buy another one," Tobler told Jurgensen. "But I don't want to get you some ugly one, just because the post office is inefficient. Well, it'll come eventually. You'll know it's from me when it gets there. It has the cutest cat stamp on it. I know how you love cats."

Tobler said she "immediately regretted mentioning that damn cat stamp," which she still has to find.

The inside of the birthday card for Jurgensen reveals a string of nefarious lies penned by Tobler.

Tobler's meticulously constructed but delicate house of cards nearly collapsed when Jurgensen phoned Saturday. While attempting to cover her tracks, Tobler dragged her woefully ill-prepared husband Todd into the operation.

"I picked up the phone and it was Jessica," Todd told reporters. "Suddenly, Gina started waving her arms and mouthing words to me about God knows what. I put the phone down and she whispered in my ear not to tell Jessica that the birthday card is still here. Luckily, it never came up. But then Gina scribbled this note to me that I should tell Jessica she's going to love the card that I saw [Gina] get in a package in the mail at the same time as last week's Sports Illustrated.'"

Todd's subsequent confusion nearly blew Tobler's cover and compromised the entire mission.

"I didn't know what Gina was trying to tell me at all," Todd said. "Finally, I just handed her the phone so she could talk to Jessica herself."

Once the card is returned and re-mailed, Tobler plans to complete the maneuver with a confirmation call and close the book on her masterpiece of deception.

"I'll be glad when this is all over," Tobler told reporters. "I don't think I can bear another week of fudging the truth. It's exhausting keeping it all straight."

Meanwhile, Jurgensen remains wholly ignorant of the fact that she's being fed a diet of intrigue and deception.

"Gina and I are both a little scatterbrained," Jurgensen said by phone from her Ronan residence. "I was surprised that she remembered my birthday at all. I totally forgot to call her last year until two days afterward. Luckily, I covered by telling her I was in the hospital for inhaling toxic fumes at work."

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