Website Humiliating Itself

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Website Humiliating Itself

SAN FRANCISCO—With its shameless self-promotion, gratuitous content recycling, and completely disorienting design, aggregator website FlavorMix.com is utterly humiliating itself, sources confirmed Friday. “Looking for a laugh? Check out this gallery of our most popular posts from 2012!” reads a slideshow published on FlavorMix today, just one of dozens of search-engine-optimized entries that clutter the website’s overwhelmingly tacky home page. “Did we forget to include your favorite? Sound off in the comments! And before you go, check out some of these great stories from our content partners!” At press time, in a desperate effort to draw traffic, FlavorMix was reportedly attempting to entertain its users with a series of fun, colorful ads featuring looping audio that plays automatically and cannot be turned off.

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