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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

CHICAGO—Following several unsuccessful attempts to find a specific article on a national media website, readers confirmed Monday that the built-in search engine found in the upper-right-hand corner of the online publication is nothing short of useless. “For example, I wanted to find a story they did recently about Michael Bay, and so I typed in his name, but the first results that came up were articles about NASA, Jim Harbaugh, and aliens,” said longtime reader Courtney Dunning, who admitted to reporters she was surprised that a website with two decades of backlogged content would have such a poorly designed and ineffective method for accessing its archived material. “Searching for ‘Michael Bay’s new movie’ didn’t get me anywhere, either. In fact, even when I typed in the exact headline of the article, it told me no results could be found.” As of press time, Dunning had reportedly abandoned the website’s search bar, Googled what she was looking for, and found it on her first attempt.

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