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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent publication in over 150 newspapers and periodicals, including Food & Wine, The Baltimore Sun, and Time, "melty" would be added to their 2008 collegiate dictionary.

"Melty, adjective: from the English 'melt'," Merriam-Webster president John Morse said in a series of words he never imagined he would ever have need to utter. "1: An edible foodstuff possessing viscous qualities; 2: See goolicious. I hereby announce my retirement."

The word "goolicious," an adjective describing something that is both melty and delicious, was also added to the English language.

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