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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent publication in over 150 newspapers and periodicals, including Food & Wine, The Baltimore Sun, and Time, "melty" would be added to their 2008 collegiate dictionary.

"Melty, adjective: from the English 'melt'," Merriam-Webster president John Morse said in a series of words he never imagined he would ever have need to utter. "1: An edible foodstuff possessing viscous qualities; 2: See goolicious. I hereby announce my retirement."

The word "goolicious," an adjective describing something that is both melty and delicious, was also added to the English language.

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