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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent publication in over 150 newspapers and periodicals, including Food & Wine, The Baltimore Sun, and Time, "melty" would be added to their 2008 collegiate dictionary.

"Melty, adjective: from the English 'melt'," Merriam-Webster president John Morse said in a series of words he never imagined he would ever have need to utter. "1: An edible foodstuff possessing viscous qualities; 2: See goolicious. I hereby announce my retirement."

The word "goolicious," an adjective describing something that is both melty and delicious, was also added to the English language.

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