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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Representatives from Merriam-Webster grudgingly announced Tuesday that, due to the Taco Bell–coined term's recent publication in over 150 newspapers and periodicals, including Food & Wine, The Baltimore Sun, and Time, "melty" would be added to their 2008 collegiate dictionary.

"Melty, adjective: from the English 'melt'," Merriam-Webster president John Morse said in a series of words he never imagined he would ever have need to utter. "1: An edible foodstuff possessing viscous qualities; 2: See goolicious. I hereby announce my retirement."

The word "goolicious," an adjective describing something that is both melty and delicious, was also added to the English language.

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