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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Wedding Caterer Likes To Throw In Extra Potatoes If It Seems Like Couple Genuinely In Love

DALLAS—Calling it his own personal blessing to the bride and groom, wedding caterer Isaac Bellacosa told reporters Wednesday that he likes to throw in a few extra potatoes for the reception dinner if it looks like the couple is genuinely in love. “If the connection seems like the real deal, I’ll give them some more roasted potatoes free of charge as a little wedding present from me,” said Bellacosa, explaining that seeing such genuine happiness between two people warms his heart and warrants additional helpings of the side dish. “If I can tell just by the way they look into each other’s eyes that they’re soulmates destined to spend the rest of their lives together, I might surprise them not only with extra potatoes but also a seasonal vegetable medley they hadn’t even asked for.” At press time, Bellacosa was half-heartedly scooping onto a platter precisely the amount of roasted potatoes ordered by a couple whose marriage he was sure would not last a year.

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