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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Wedding DJ Assures Anxious Man He Hasn’t Forgotten ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Request

WAUKESHA, WI—According to sources who attended Peter and Jillian Lefevre’s wedding reception at the Loft & Chapel banquet hall last Saturday, event DJ Joel Kephart assured the man hovering nervously by his booth that he had not forgotten the guest’s “Build Me Up Buttercup” song request from earlier that evening. “Yep, don’t worry, I’ve got it on my list,” Kephart said to the man who, throughout the previous four songs, had stood on the dance floor eagerly anticipating the 1968 Foundations hit, only to be repeatedly disappointed by a string of different pop standards. “I just played ‘Brown Eyed Girl,’ so I’ve got to mix it up. I’m going to play some slow stuff and then ‘The Electric Slide,’ but I’ll get to yours sometime after that, okay?” Reports indicated the man became further agitated after an unmistakable guitar intro confirmed he had been jumped in line by the guy behind him who had asked for “Play That Funky Music.”

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