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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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Wedding DJ Finally Gets The Chance To Listen To Some Black Eyed Peas On His Own Time

HAVERHILL, MA—Finding himself with an unexpected weekend off during the height of his busiest season, wedding DJ and pop music enthusiast Shawn DeFleur took the time Saturday to relax in his favorite chair, don his headphones, and listen to the Black Eyed Peas seminal 2003 album Elephunk for his own pleasure. “Finally, I can just kick back, close my eyes, and do some serious listening,” said DeFleur, adding that it felt a little strange not to have to take requests while a song was playing, or shout out the name of the bride and groom over a chorus, or switch to “Run The World (Girls)” two-thirds of the way through a track to appease bridesmaids. “I really should do this more often—just set aside a little time for myself to relax and sink my teeth into something like ‘Let’s Get It Started.’ Reminds me why I do this job in the first place.” When the album concluded, DeFleur turned to the classics, spinning “Mony Mony,” “The Hokey Pokey,” and different versions of “The Chicken Dance” for the rest of the afternoon.

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