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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Wedding DJ Finally Gets The Chance To Listen To Some Black Eyed Peas On His Own Time

HAVERHILL, MA—Finding himself with an unexpected weekend off during the height of his busiest season, wedding DJ and pop music enthusiast Shawn DeFleur took the time Saturday to relax in his favorite chair, don his headphones, and listen to the Black Eyed Peas seminal 2003 album Elephunk for his own pleasure. “Finally, I can just kick back, close my eyes, and do some serious listening,” said DeFleur, adding that it felt a little strange not to have to take requests while a song was playing, or shout out the name of the bride and groom over a chorus, or switch to “Run The World (Girls)” two-thirds of the way through a track to appease bridesmaids. “I really should do this more often—just set aside a little time for myself to relax and sink my teeth into something like ‘Let’s Get It Started.’ Reminds me why I do this job in the first place.” When the album concluded, DeFleur turned to the classics, spinning “Mony Mony,” “The Hokey Pokey,” and different versions of “The Chicken Dance” for the rest of the afternoon.

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