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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Wedding-Planning Tips

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.

  • Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.
  • If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.
  • It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.
  • Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!
  • Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.
  • Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people in the U.S. specially licensed to play "The Chicken Dance."
  • Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.
  • When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.
  • It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.
  • Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashioneds.
  • When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.
  • If you're thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.
  • Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.
  • When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.

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