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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Wedding-Planning Tips

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.

  • Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.
  • If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.
  • It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.
  • Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!
  • Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.
  • Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people in the U.S. specially licensed to play "The Chicken Dance."
  • Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.
  • When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.
  • It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.
  • Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashioneds.
  • When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.
  • If you're thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.
  • Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.
  • When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.

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