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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Wedding-Planning Tips

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.

  • Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.
  • If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.
  • It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.
  • Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!
  • Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.
  • Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people in the U.S. specially licensed to play "The Chicken Dance."
  • Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.
  • When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.
  • It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.
  • Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashioneds.
  • When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.
  • If you're thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.
  • Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.
  • When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.

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