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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Wedding Videographer Clearly Shooting Side Project During Ceremony

FENTON, IL—Guests attending the marriage of Frank Herman and Lauren Holland reported Saturday that videographer Jesse Laske, a film-school graduate who has spent the last three years professionally videotaping weddings, spent an inordinate amount of time obtaining close-up shots of elderly guests' hands.

"During the vows, he seemed to be zooming in and out on the face of Jesus a lot more than he was filming Frank and Lauren," 19-year-old bridesmaid Grace Williams said. "I will say, though, that his decision to shoot the entire thing in black and white with the only color being the blood smeared all over that statue of Mary makes it sound like his project's going to be pretty interesting."

Laske declined to comment, saying he had to rush off to a nearby bris.

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