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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged

LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted each other at the office Monday with little more than a cursory nod, sources at TexTech Solutions reported. “Hey, man,” Haines said as he passed Walford in the hallway, his tone and expression betraying no sign that the pair had for the first time ever run into each other outside of work and engaged in a friendly exchange about their weekend plans, their wives, and their children. “Hey,” answered Walford, as though he in some way regretted the one moment of relative intimacy in their two-year-old work relationship. Experts predicted that the incident would never be spoken of again, with conversations between the pair actually becoming even more strained for the next six weeks or so.

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