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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged

LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted each other at the office Monday with little more than a cursory nod, sources at TexTech Solutions reported. “Hey, man,” Haines said as he passed Walford in the hallway, his tone and expression betraying no sign that the pair had for the first time ever run into each other outside of work and engaged in a friendly exchange about their weekend plans, their wives, and their children. “Hey,” answered Walford, as though he in some way regretted the one moment of relative intimacy in their two-year-old work relationship. Experts predicted that the incident would never be spoken of again, with conversations between the pair actually becoming even more strained for the next six weeks or so.

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