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Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

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How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

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Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

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Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

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Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

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The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere

BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin Laden was not killed by a U.S. special operations team last year, is in fact still on the loose, and remains a major threat to the safety of all Americans.

While answering a question from moderator Bob Schieffer on the possibility of another act of terrorism on U.S. soil, Obama began by touting his order to take out the al-Qaeda founder, but then suddenly stopped talking and gazed down at the debate table for nearly 10 full seconds. When he raised his head, the president, now shaking and weeping, proceeded to deliver the shocking news.

“I’d like to remind anyone who questions my commitment to national security that in the past four years, we’ve put al-Qaeda on its heels, we’ve brought Osama bin Laden to justice, and the country is now safer than…than…I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” said Obama, his expression taking on a nervous, pained look that witnesses confirmed they had never before seen on the commander in chief’s face. “Listen, we never got him, okay? We never got bin Laden.”

“We’ve never even came close to killing him,” Obama continued as his breathing grew more rapid and tears began streaming down his face. “And we’re no closer to getting him today than we were when I first took office. The man’s a lunatic, and he’s still out there. I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.”

The visibly panicked Obama told the worldwide debate audience that he truthfully “[doesn’t] know where the hell Bin Laden is” and that he could “literally be in this room for all I know.” As the audience sat in stunned silence, the president revealed that last May’s Navy SEAL mission to kill the world’s most wanted man was a complete intelligence and military failure, resulting in heavy U.S. casualties and the deaths of dozens of innocent Pakistani civilians.

“There was a chance he was in that compound in Abbottabad, but a very slim one,” explained Obama, adding that while fabricated reports put the odds of finding bin Laden in Pakistan at 50-50, the chances were really more like 90-10. “But I gave the order anyway, because I wanted it, you know? I wanted to kill bin Laden so bad, because the economy wasn’t good and news out of Afghanistan was hurting my presidency. Everyone told me the mission would fail, but I still went through with it. It was just a family of four living in that compound, and the guy we thought was bin Laden was just some tall man with a beard whom we murdered in cold blood.”

“Remember when I addressed the nation and told everyone Osama bin Laden was dead? I knew he was alive that whole time,” said Obama, looking at no one in particular and, for the most part, speaking to himself while in what appeared to be a state of severe shock. “I fucked up. Jesus Christ, I fucked up bad. I’m in trouble. I’m in really big trouble.”

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Obama then admitted his administration went to extreme lengths to cover up the truth by completely fabricating DNA evidence; releasing the book No Easy Day, which was credited to a Navy SEAL who the president said never existed in the first place; and fully financing production of the upcoming Kathryn Bigelow film Zero Dark Thirty.

“The reason we never showed you his body is because we never had it to begin with,” said Obama, his forlorn gaze fixed on the floor. “Trust me, if we had killed Osama bin Laden, we wouldn’t have just tossed his body in the ocean. We would have paraded it around the entire goddamn world.”

According to the president, the only reliable intelligence the government has on bin Laden is that he is currently planning dozens of new attacks on America and that he continues to lead al-Qaeda, which has now expanded to virtually every country on the planet. Obama also confirmed that the CIA is “incredibly confident” that the terrorist leader is coordinating bombings in every major U.S. city, with at least five potential attacks aimed at the Pentagon and the Golden Gate Bridge alone.

In addition, Obama said that bin Laden was actually in New York City three months ago and visited the Empire State Building.

The president then continued to confess other factual distortions from his administration, revealing that the death toll of American soldiers in Afghanistan is actually almost 8,000, the Iraq War is still going on and as bloody as ever, Iran is just weeks or possibly even days away from having a fully armed nuclear weapon, and the real national unemployment rate is hovering around 10.4 percent.

“Words can never fully express the sorrow and regret I feel for giving you a false sense of closure,” the president said after turning to speak directly into the camera, his voice quivering. “To the families who lost loved ones in the attacks on 9/11: Osama bin Laden is alive, and he’s healthier than ever. He’ll probably live to 100. And to my wife, Michelle: I have engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.”

Following the debate, the Romney camp released a statement saying that “Gov. Romney is absolutely thrilled Osama bin Laden is still alive.”

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