Weeping Tim Cook Spotted Screaming For Help At Steve Jobs’ Tombstone

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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Weeping Tim Cook Spotted Screaming For Help At Steve Jobs’ Tombstone

PALO ALTO, CA—Eighteen months after the death of his mentor, Apple CEO Tim Cook was seen Wednesday pounding the tombstone of company founder Steve Jobs and begging for guidance in his leadership of what was once the largest corporation in the history of the world. “What the hell do I do?!” a hysterical Cook reportedly shrieked, clawing alternately at the grave marker and his own face. “You left no instructions, damn it. I need another game-changing breakthrough product that millions can’t live without. Just give me one idea. One idea, for the love of God! Why are you torturing me like this?” At press time, sources confirmed that Cook had composed himself and decided to develop an iPhone 6.

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