adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College

PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday. "I was having a casual conversation about Sunday's games and brought up [Buffalo Bills running back] Marshawn Lynch, and Ryan popped in and just said, 'Cal,'" SRS office manager Aaron Lorrimer told reporters, adding that several days earlier, Janis confounded and slightly annoyed his colleagues by knowing that Saints safety Darren Sharper was a second-round pick out of William & Mary. "I guess it's, I don't know, kind of impressive? But we don't really care where these players went to school. Do you think Ryan believes he's adding to the conversation when he does that?" At press time, coworker and Carolina Panthers fan Ted Long was eating lunch and talking about linebacker Jon Beason's 10-tackle game against the Giants last Sunday as the word "Miami" began to form in Janis' mouth.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close