Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Weird, Creepy Guy Just Hanging Around Same Website All Day Long

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long. “None of us know who that weirdo is—he just showed up earlier and has been lingering around the movie reviews ever since,” said 39-year-old Elaine Dolan, one of the site’s many visitors disturbed by the constant presence of the unknown individual identified only as EZRyder56, who several sources reportedly had seen on a number of prior occasions lurking around the site at all hours. “I stopped by this morning to check out the latest Game of Thrones recap real quick and I saw him there commenting on the new It reboot. And when I came back in the afternoon, he was still right there hanging around the same thread. It gave me the creeps. Doesn’t this guy have anything better to do than just stick around here all day making everyone else uncomfortable?” At press time, sources confirmed that the creepy guy had abruptly disappeared from the website, leading many to worry that he may have followed a young female user back to her social media accounts.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.